NATIONAL BUFFOON: The Hall O' Big Bible Fun - ( Inadvertant as it may be) »
Posted By Radiofreeeuropa 10 months ago in Religion
Genesis 2:18-20 Seeing Adam wandering alone in the Garden of Eden, God concludes that it is not good that he should be alone, and decides to make him a "help meet". "And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him." Oh Fiddlesticks!
Adam does not find his "help meet" until God creates Eve from one of his ribs as he sleeps. Why it took God this long to get it right, however, is puzzling. Did he not realize that none of the animals were suitable wives for Adam? If the first man had pronounced one of them suitable, would the Almighty have presided over a solemn marriage ceremony between a human being and, say, a Camel?
If God had not created the animals with the intent of finding Adam a wife, then why does the text bother to point out that none of them were suitable for that purpose? Perspiring minds want to know!
How does anyone believe this is literally true?
Let's have some fun examining some hilarious "pearls of wisdom".
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Radiofreeeuropa
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Radiofreeeuropa10 months ago
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I'm sure our esteemed community has some laughable verses to add and comment on.
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Here's one.
Malachi 2:3
God is upset at the rebellious priests of Israel (they dared to slaughter the blind, lame or sick animals, rather than the very best ones they had, as blood sacrifices to him - those bastards). As punishment, the Almighty vows, "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts." (Mmm-mmm!)
We didn't even get to the New Testament in the article-
Mark 6:36-44, Mark 8:1-9
In the first of these selections, a large crowd assembles in the desert to hear Jesus preach. At the end of the day, Jesus tells his disciples to feed the hungry worshippers, but his disciples respond that they only have five loaves of bread and two fishes, not nearly enough for all the people. Jesus takes their meager food and - wonder of wonders! - miraculously multiplies it, feeding five thousand people with plenty left over.
Precisely two chapters later, Jesus is again surrounded by a multitude of eager followers, again takes pity on them because they are hungry, and again tells his disciples to feed them. But the disciples have only seven loaves of bread and a few small fishes, and again object that it can't possibly be enough ("From whence can a man satisfy these men with bread here in the wilderness?"), apparently having completely forgotten what happened only a short time ago. Once again Jesus miraculously multiplies the food, and for the second time in three chapters, all present are suitably awed and amazed by this miracle.
Mark 16:18
Jesus lets us know how to identify his true followers: "They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover."
Unfortunately, people seem to have taken him literally. There are serpent-handling churches among the extreme fringes of Christianity, and yes, many of their members, including the movement's founder, do get bitten and die - not that Jesus said they wouldn't, if you read the verse carefully. (Another little practical joke?) And there are faith healers, who frequently cause greater damage when the gullible souls who trust in their non-existent healing powers throw away medicine or crutches and end up even worse than they were before. There are even some who sip strychnine (highly diluted, of course), though I know of no Christians who prove their faith by quaffing pure arsenic or cyanide. Oh ye of little faith!-
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gamahuche10 months ago
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As a former attendee of a Religious, Royal and Ancient Foundation, a boarding school - MY reckless choice to escape from parental control [ootfpitf - out of the frying pan into the fire]
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I could regale you with more bizarre stories of the weirdness of "applied" Religious dogma, combined with hypocritical perversion, than you could believe or stomach.
However it IS much more fun to stay on the light side about this - and of course every religion has its dogma and some exponents who are more concerned with following the dogma than they are with their own karma - till their karma runs over their dogma:)
Bloody-minded sabotage, the most inventive, absurd and least definable and categorisable, was far and away the most effective MO for confronting this compulsory activity - especially if blame could not be assigned to a perpetrator - though collective punishment was a weapon within the enemy's grasp.
Of course there were some "usual suspects" who would be rounded up on such occasions and kept in a pit and thrown crusts of bread and occasional sprinkles of water [?] until the lowest common denominator's resistance was broken and he blabbed - and was the first to be beaten.
Religion came in many daily doses - and there were techniques for dealing with each one. Chapel every day and twice on Sundays plus a pre-bedtime offering in the houses where we lived offered ample opportunities for creativity.
We had a cross-eyed Grecian - these boys were not Greek at all but were elevated to this rank because they were expected to go on to Oxford or Cambridge - whose nickname was Gladly [my cross-eyed bear..] When it was his turn during the evening sessions in the house it was always contrived that poor Gladly would always be provided with that verse to read.
Our Chaplain's name was Pullen but he was universally referred to as the Chain. Oddly enough he also had a compulsive habit of pulling his right ear-lobe when confronted with any difficult question, thereby increasing its size to twice that of the other lobe. When confronted with some egregious abuse of authority and asked to represent truth and justice in a Christian manner his inevitable response, after a series of interjections of a placatory "I know, I know" would be [tugging ferociously at that ear]: "Well we don't want to rock the boat now, do we?" "Of course we want to rock the f***ing boat" would probably have lead to expulsion, which would hardly have been a fate-worse-than-death but would be something of a handicap to one's Oxford chances as I was to discover - to my naive astonishment - even though I was only "asked to leave".. [continued below!] -
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lvrofwolves10 months ago
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Didn't animals come before Adam???
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air-breathing sea creatures and birds; and on the sixth day, "the beasts of the earth according to their kinds." "Then God said, Let us make man in our image ... in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
who was God talking to when he said 'let US make man in OUR image.???
I'm about to paint a picture of a human,would I say to myself, 'let US paint a picture, in our image?? to myself??. So either 'God' has a woman, is a hermaphrodite, multiple personalities, or there were other 'Gods' I guess he could have been speaking to the Holy ghost?!
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Charlson10 months ago
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I've asked many of these same questions when I was a youth and the answer I got was to believe and ask not. Those who adhere tothe Bible seems to want to be ignorant. And then there are the Fundies, who cherry pick things out of the Bible to strengthen their arguments and ignore the contradictions.
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gamahuche10 months ago
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The problem in Christianity is that Knowing interferes with faith.
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And FAITH trumps all!
Faith means that something that is obviously patent 100% superstitious bs ranks higher than common-sense. insinctive intuition and/or knowledge, any and every day of the week, esp. on Sundays.
Its the stock-in-trade of the most egregious scoundrels, posing as blessed beings - the kind who if they were doctors would be struck off at the drop of a hat..
"My mighty sword is penetrating through your [specify orifice] to bring you the seed of J.... and to bring you the gift of eternal life".
(And don't tell the Bishop he only wants me to bring it to [specify other gender] and he would be angry with you if he found out that you had persuaded me to share it with you.") -
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Radiofreeeuropa10 months ago
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Revelation 1:16, 19:16
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At the Second Coming, Jesus will have a golden girdle, eyes of fire, white hair, feet of brass, clothes soaked in and dripping with blood, seven stars in his hand, the phrase "KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS" written (tattooed?) on his thigh, and "a sharp twoedged sword" sticking out of his mouth. While no doubt suitably dramatic, one imagines the latter part of this attire will make it difficult to pronounce sentence on the nonbelievers. ("In - ow! - the name of my - ow! - Father I say unto thee - ow!")
(Extra humor points for verse 2:16, where we are told that Jesus will use this sword to fight against the unrepentant. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "barbed tongue.")-
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antibrainwasher10 months ago
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Jesus is one badarse arsekicking terminator dude, all he needs to complete his look is a Harley.
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Who would win a fight, the Terminator, Alien, Predator or Jesus on a Harley with golden girdle? Answer: Caribu Barbie would kick all their arses.
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Radiofreeeuropa10 months ago
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Luke 20:35
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The Sadducees, a Jewish sect that rejected the idea of resurrection, try to entrap Jesus by asking him the following question: If a woman marries a husband who then dies, and she remarries, and if this happens multiple times, which man's wife will she be in Heaven? Jesus responds that "they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage."
In other words, Jesus said that only people who never married will go to Heaven. This means that Adam, Abraham, Noah, Moses, David, Lot, Solomon, Joseph and Mary, Peter - practically all the figures of the Bible - are condemned! If their not allowed in heaven they must have gone to H- E - double hockey sticks! -
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Radiofreeeuropa10 months ago
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God was angry because "the earth was filled with violence." So he killed every living thing to make the world less violent. Genesis 6:11-13
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Pretty funny huh?
Also in Genesis:
Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark.-
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willottica10 months ago
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Sorry, 7:8 just describes how they walked in, 7:3-4 describes the numbers:
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2Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.
3Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.
And since 7 doesn't divide evenly by 2, I would say that the common interpretation (2 of each animal, 1 male and 1 female) was wrong even for the unclean beasts. This seems to imply there were 2 male and 2 female of each unclean beast.
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Dionys10 months ago
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This site's full of those kinds of odd quotes:
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http://www.evilbible.com/
Bias warning: They obviously hate the Bible.-
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Radiofreeeuropa10 months ago
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I would say, that as for me, I don't hate the bible. But the idea that is literally true.
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As metaphor it has some value mixed in with highly politically expedient nonsense from it's various authors.
Why so many absurdities in the Bible? Of course, a few, such as in Isaiah or Revelation, can be put down to their authors being mentally disturbed, and to the superstitious ancients accepting their grotesque imaginings and bizarre ravings as canon because they believed such behavior was a sign of inspiration from God.
But not all of them can be explained this way, and a number of factors are required to account for the rest. First and most important, both the Israelite and Christian religions were going through formative periods when their texts were originally written, and these are precisely the periods when a sect's beliefs go through the greatest changes and doctrinal disputes. Many of the odd verses are doubtless the last remaining vestiges of beliefs that lost out, preserved in fragments within the majority text like fossils in stone. As for others, though it may anger some believers to read it, we must face up to the fact that the Bible just isn't well written. Even according to orthodox tradition, many of its authors were simple, rough and ready people, primitive and superstitious by today's standards, without detailed education in principles such as plot, theme and characterization, and preceding the painstaking traditions of literary refinement that came later. Certainly they did not have the modern-day apologists' concerns for consistency, nor their highly developed theological outlook, and they were probably not concerned with the detailed implications of every word they wrote. The final relevant factor is that the Bible is not a single book, but a collection of books, written in numerous different times and places by different individuals. ( Not a God). Perfect consistency can hardly be expected from so many authors with so many different points of view, and what is worse, many of them were intent on reinterpreting the text in light of their own beliefs, rather than making their writing consistent with what already existed. The work of literature they collectively turned out is the best that could be expected under such circumstances.
(Cont)
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Radiofreeeuropa10 months ago
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Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon. And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies.
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-- Joshua-10:12-13
That means God stopped the Earth from turning so vengence could be exacted.
WTF?
A. God likes warfare if it's vengeful?
B. You do know what would happen if the Earth were to stop it's rotation, right? -
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Radiofreeeuropa10 months ago
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Life Of Brian -The stoning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNeq2Utm0nU
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Radiofreeeuropa10 months ago
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The idea that knowledge is somehow evil is the worst idea I've ever heard of. Keep 'em stupid, Yup!
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Listen to the Sermon on the Mount!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiDmMBIyfsU
(It's a sign!)-
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lvrofwolves10 months ago
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Here's another-Men decide to build "a tower with its top in the heavens" in the land of Shinar, "lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth." God fears the ambition of mankind: "This is only the beginning of what they will do; and nothing that they propose to do will now be impossible for them. Come, let us go down, and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another's speech." And so mankind is scattered over the face of the earth, and the city "was called Babel, because there the Lord confused the language of all the earth."[27][28]
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God fears the ambition of men?
"This is only the beginning of what they will do; and nothing that they propose to do will now be impossible for them.???
Come, let us go down, and there confuse their language....
WHO is 'God' talking to??? and why would 'God' tell someone this so they would write that it in a book??? -
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Progressive10 months ago
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Let us give thanks for the Buddy Christ:
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BEZaPN8gUY -
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lvrofwolves10 months ago
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Newperson,I don't feel anyone is making fun of anyone's religion, just wondering in a humorous way why things are written the way they were, many things don't make sense and there are many contradictions. I'm serious..how many wrote the bible? during the course of 1,000s of years for the OT and the NT 'God' supposedly told all those different people who wrote it how things went? exactly? from the beginning of time, well actually before the beginning of time for us, up until whatever A.D ? come on. Anyone who takes that completely literally is not a religion, and will probably be made fun of, the thing is if their faith is there, what difference does it make to them or anyone else? If people asking questions, or saying that doesn't make sense in a humorous way offends, everyone has a choice not to read this submission, right?
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Rick78x10 months ago
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URGENT. GO HERE AND LISTEN:
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http://www.infowars.com/ -
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DaneL10 months ago
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Why do you people feel the need to degrade a persons belief? Do you feel so weak about yours, you have to make fun of someone. Typical lib, don't try and support your stance, just try and destroy someone elses. What a miserable existance you must live.
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Radiofreeeuropa10 months ago
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DaneL, If your neighbor claimed Jim Jones was a messenger from the one true creator of everything, who only can be accessed by attending KKK meetings, that suicide through koolaid got you a ticket to Elysian fields - 20 virgins with luxury yachts, and he was convincing many others that this was so- including political candidates who are willing to alter constitutional law to reflect this belief...would you be "righteous" to NOT point out the absurdity?
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The idea that religious beliefs must be respected simply because they're religious beliefs is absurd.
If you read the article, it's premise is that believing in the literal truth of these stories is impossible, absurd, contradictory, and astonishing. That is a fact demonstrated clearly by merely reading the book in question.
My stance is there are absurdities, contradictions, unholy violence and vanity unbecoming a deity, and utter buffoonery in the Bible. That believing in it's infallible truth is demonstratively wrong. The book itself is used to provide the proof. (Never mind the known history of various alterations, deletions, additions, etc. that were made for political expedience.)
I wonder if other beliefs that were popular and absurd are afforded your same protectionism? If you believe it was wrong to question a king's divinity, his "right" to sleep with your wife....or the sun won't rise if you don't kill something (fer gawd!) ...God is a purple Giraffe in at least one esteemed religious belief ... Nero was a god...
No wonder that Voltaire cried out, "Christian religion, behold thy consequences!" if he could calculate that ten million lives had been immolated on the altar of a spurious Christianity. One hundred thousand were slain in the Bartholomew massacre alone. Righteousness, peace, and love were not the monster which Voltaire laboured to crush: he was most intensely incensed against the blind and bigoted priesthood, against the malicious and murderous servants who ate the bread of a holy and harmless Master, against "their intolerance of light and hatred of knowledge, their fierce yet profoundly contemptible struggles with one another, the scandals of their casuistry, their besotted cruelty." We have been betrayed into speaking thus strongly of the extreme lengths to which superstition will carry those who yield themselves to its ruthless tyranny!
The Religious and nonreligious brand the beliefs of others as outlandish,. absurd, and bizarre while privileging their own perspectives. It's good to laugh at ourselves. In fact,
ridiculing some religious beliefs, criticizing absurd religious practices and offending religious people was a way of life for Old Testament prophets. It’s not a freedom so much as a responsibility.
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antibrainwasher10 months ago
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If baby jew god jesus was omniscient, why didn't he hand over some penicilin to all those lepers and the millions of children who died from bacterial infection, the infant mortality rate in those days of superstition and flat earth ignorance was well over 60%. Why oh why baby jesus?
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Nothing like praying away flesh eating bacteria. And, BTW, thanks, baby jew god jesus, for influenza and small pox and herpes and aids and religious wars and gay bashing and casino capitalist corporate welfare republicans too. All praise the baby jew jesus, all praise flesh eating bacteria and drug resistant malaria.
Republcan Jesus loves the little fetuses , all the little fetuses of the world.
The children, not so much. -
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lvrofwolves10 months ago
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God blessed all the animals he created, yet they ( all but 2 of each) were destroyed in the great flood, were they wicked too? why didn't God just destroy the wicked humans, you know whammo bammo all you wicked are gone! obviously he missed some in choosing Noah and his family, or else we wouldn't need Jesus to come. couldn't 'God' have just started all over again with a new Adam and Eve? or were they just a one shot at creation deal. I still don't know where those other sneaky tribes in Nod came from.......
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