Comments for Hope for Brokenhearted Lovers »
Posted By Spadecaller 10 months, 3 weeks ago in FamilyWith all the generalities and categorical ideals that we read about in establishing and preserving loving and romantic relationships, the biggest reason for their failure is rarely presented. Many men blindly seek women who they believe will make good replacements to finish the business that was left undone by their mothers. As soon as these men (and women) begin to feel they are getting all the love and support they want from their partners, they immediately grow bored and less attracted sexually. In essence, they feel that they finally got their mommy or daddy back, but of course that is not enough. After finding their new found mothers and dads, they now want to go out and find their "true" love mates. They have no idea that the void left from their childhoods is a bottomless pit and once again it will undermine their next affair. In the wake of their denial, the wreckage of broken relationships accumulates.The simple truth that "my parents did the best they could" does nothing to heal the past, though it is usually uttered with great conviction and aplomb.
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Spadecaller10 months, 3 weeks ago
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For some, it requires hard work and pain to finally admit that their childhood needs were not met. Their egos and loyalties are affronted by the prospect. To believe that their parents had failed them in any way and that they alone are now responsible for their long list of failed relationships is unpleasant to look upon or even consider. Despite this reality, they must become willing to move on and say goodbye, if they truly want to build a new and better life.
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This is not something that I have just counseled others on; it something that I, too, had to confront during my own life. I am now happily married for over 20 years and I never want to take for granted the struggle it took to accomplish. -
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tehranchik10 months, 3 weeks ago
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Your piece made me think of this.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zCz8SKmGek -
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CRYMTYPHON10 months, 3 weeks ago
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My impression was that people assumed first that their parents are the cause of all pain and error in their lives, - and then very slowly face the idea that it is their own responsibility.
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But what do I know?
My soul is a cold dead tomb where the bones of betrayal lie like, like bones in a tomb, - because my heart has been acid-washed and spam-filtered and double-booked over and over in emotionaly violent acts of rejection.
We can't date because I like polka?
Alright, maybe that is dad's fault.-
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Spadecaller10 months, 3 weeks ago
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If you reread it a little closer, you will notice that there is no blame attached to either the parents or their children:
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"For some, it requires hard work and pain to finally admit that their childhood needs were not met. Their egos and loyalties are affronted by the prospect. To believe that their parents had failed them in any way and THAT THEY ALONE OUR NOW RESPONSIBLE for their long list of failed relationships unpleasant to look upon or even consider. Despite this reality, they must become willing to move on and say goodbye, if they truly want to build a new and better life.
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Spadecaller10 months, 3 weeks ago
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"My impression was that people assumed first that their parents are the cause of all pain and error in their lives, - and then very slowly face the idea that it is their own responsibility."
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Sounds good... but in reality there are million of people who eventually realize that there is a third stage that they need to move towards - the reality that they have inherited dysfunctional baggage and that it is their responsibility to understand it in order to change it. Of course, this produces an aversion for most people. They are afraid of being accused of blaming their parents. They may want to think they are "too mature" to engage in such analysis and besides, they do not want to deal with the pain that may surface. However, there are millions of people starting relationships and leaving relationships after spreading more hurt and pretending that it is always the fault of the other person. -
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Ciera-Marie10 months, 2 weeks ago
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Sigh I posted a comment earlier that was taking forever to load. It was while SC was responding to one of his comments and N2N was loading hers at the same time. (Please Prop techs fix this! The bugs are driving all of us crazy!)
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Anyway, in case my first comment doesn't show up, another good one SC and in time for one of the most expensive, overrated times of year...Valentine's Day. That said.
I agree with you regarding baggage. We all bring things into our relationships. All of us had "normal/average [even if they weren't our parents] to dysfunctional relationships modeled for us and everyone in between. Best thing one can do for oneself is therapy. When needed.
I also think people have to stop believing that they'll be complete when they met the "one" and they'll met all their needs. RUN! RUN AWAY! No one person can complete you, met all of your needs, including security, nor should they have too. You can't met all of theirs either. That's not healthy.-
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Spadecaller10 months, 2 weeks ago
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Thanks guys... I had to give up trying to use Propeller today. I left a message with Tom about my inability to tolerate all the bugs and errors occurring at this time.
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Regarding the story... I gave up worrying about being normal. I accepted a long time ago that it is something that I will never have to worry about: it will not ever happen.
The residual dysfunction that I have now is in my head and I am aware of it when it arises; I just don't act on it. The other day, my wife was carrying on about our cat that died. She is having a real hard time accepting his death. After a few weeks of seeing my wife feeling despondent about this, I began to feel a little lonely. Suddenly, the thought came to me... will she care that much if I die. LOL! I kept my thoughts to myself until yesterday, when I started smiling at the wrong moment. My wife insisted to know what I was thinking. I finally explained that I felt a little lonely since she was so busy grieving. Fortunately, she said it before I did..."What;s wrong? Do you think I love the cat more than you?" I had to start laughing. With that, she had to start laughing too. There was a time, however, that I would have become annoyed with her for the feelings that I had.-
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cowboygrandpa10 months, 2 weeks ago
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Spadecaller:
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Ya know my wife had a hard over losing our pet dog. She cried and cried about it. I wasn't offended I knew she needed that dog. It depended upon her and was thrilled to see her everyday, everytime she opened the door that dog was there.
I understand it because I'm more independent and don't need her to make my life complete. She makes it better than it would be without her. But either way my life will continue until I die.
I found out long ago nobody makes your life better except you. You can blame everyone for the mistakes you make and continue to make them. Or you can look at the causes of your bad decisions and adjust your decision making process.
I've found that making your spouse laugh is a lot more fun than making her cry or get angry. LMAO hahahahaaaaa.
So if she does something that in some way irritates me. I ask myself what my problem is before blaming her. Saves a lot of misunderstanding and allows me to save a bundle on buying roses to say I'm sorry I messed up again. LOL
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jrehnberg10 months, 2 weeks ago
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spadecaller,
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cool name. i've had my heart broken, but i was thinking it had more to do with what my family taught me, not to take crap. not that my life would reflect any different, but my 'needs' were fully met, even if i was a insecure lad. thanks,J
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thoughtforsale10 months, 2 weeks ago
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I am in love at the moment, and I realize that I strongly feel attracted by someone who somehow is the opposite of my father, or let´s say: He is perhaps the father I would have liked to have. It is very difficult (if not impossible!)to make an completely independent choice, because there are special needs left, emotional "holes" to fill, so that searching for a partner is sometimes like searching for the "missing link". But no one likes to be a parent-substitute, so there must be something new and completely different with the beloved person for the relationship to work.
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jrehnbergComment removed: Spam
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Charlson10 months, 2 weeks ago
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We all are effected by how we are raised. I am constantly reminded how similar and different I am from my father and mother. The bad traits that I've adopted I try to overcome and still try hard to retain the good ones. Some of the worst insults and the best compliments can be the behavior comparisons to your parents. The problem is in recognizing theses ingrained behavior. Good article Spadecaller.
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orndorffter10 months, 2 weeks ago
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Spadecaller, Once again I love the background in your post the light blue looks like it has clouds in it befor the dark blue comes on with the post,and again a very good post.
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You all know that my father was murdered. But my mother remarried and my step father did not set a very good exsample for us. But I held in there because of my mother. When I was twelve I had a childrood sweetheart, it continued untell I scared into a marrige that I wanted no part of. It was a brutel marrage. anyway after my children were old enough I got divorced not only for my sake but for my children sake most of all. I be gan to see and date the man who was my childhood sweetheart and continued to do so. I loved him with every inch of my heart.Love is crazy and I was crazy in love wiith him and he also with me. In 1975,He was shot in the heart protecting his brother as he layed on the side walk dieing he says I love you and died. from that day on I have never let anyone take my heart as he did and have never forgot him, I still dream of him even now that I am married.thats an never ending love. my husband knows about him and knew him, he onced said I cant fill a dead man shoes. and you know what?the sad part is he cant, and I dont understand how my mother tryed to fill my father shoes. Because it is imposible. -
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