spanking could save your marriage »
Posted By Butterflycharms 8 months, 3 weeks ago in FamilyA new study showed 90 percent of couples had an unhappier marriage after kids were born.
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DrCarlHindy8 months, 3 weeks ago
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Wow, there's a loose leap of logic! Actually, several questionable inferences. While it might be true that marital happiness declines overall when a couple has children, it hardly follows that this is due to "child discipline," or that spanking will make matters better. It's also questionable whether marriages are less happy *in general* when there are children -- I'd venture to say that there are more high points as well as more low points, more joys and sorrows. However, there's probably more conflict, and most often less focus on the marriage as an intimate relationship between two people.
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As a marriage counselor I'd say that the two most frequent life stages at which couples come for help are: (1) the early child rearing years, and (2) when the children are heading out on their own (the proverbial "empty nest"). So, does this mean that we're not happy with them and not happy without them? No, I think there are different issues and different needs at each stage of life, and that marital patterns evolving at earlier stages impact the later stages.
For the early child rearing couples, they often seem to be 'losing one another' as they focus their attention so much on their children. Have you noticed how you'll preempt everything else for the sake of the kids' needs and activities? How many times have I, as a counselor, tried to get couples to go out alone on Saturday nights, only for them to return to the next counseling session telling how "Mary's dance recital was rescheduled to Saturday," or "Johnny wanted to have a sleepover." It seems that we often feel we're depriving the children if we take that time to do the needed maintenance on the marriage. I think many things play into this. For example, with both parents often working full-time, there's more "parent guilt," guilt that we're not spending enough time with the children, guilt that we're "being selfish," fears that we'll "fail" as parents if we don't spend what little free time with have with the children. N doubt sociological changes also are relevant, as we often have less extended family nearby and fewer community supports. However, this often leaves precious little time for the parents to have and maintain their own couple relationship.
... And that deferred maintenance often comes home to roost later, when the children are older and more independent, perhaps when they're leaving or about to leave for college. At that point couples seek counseling fearing they'll have little in common without the children, fearing they've grown apart, have lost the spark, are not sure if they still have the necessary feelings for one another, etc. Often this is at the same life stage as they're questioning all they've invested in their careers and their priorities are being re-evaluated (the proverbial "mid life crisis"). The couple that was so centered around their work and their children now might feel very adrift ... and they look to one another once again. "But it's been so many years..."
If spanking were the answer, LOL!
Carl Hindy, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
Nashua, NH
http://www.hindyassociates.com
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